Are We Gaslighting Neurodivergent Children?

What is gaslighting, really?

Gaslighting is when someone denies another person’s reality so consistently that the person starts to question their own experience. While the term often refers to intentional emotional manipulation, it can also happen subtly and systemically, especially in environments that prioritise compliance over understanding.

In various environments, neurodivergent children are routinely told, explicitly or implicitly, that what they feel isn’t real, that their needs are too much or that they’re being difficult on purpose.

These moments add up. They chip away at a child’s sense of self, safety and trust in the adults around them. The damage it does is insurmountable.

When adults gaslight a child’s plea for help, they shut down a vital line of communication. Neurodivergent children may not have the words or the safety to express what they’re experiencing directly. What may look like an “excuse” could be the only way they know to say: “I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I don’t know how to do this. I need help.”

If we want neurodivergent children to grow into self-trusting, emotionally safe adults, we have to stop gaslighting them in childhood. We have to stop calling their needs excuses and start making space for their truth, their needs, their identity and their humanity.

SENDwise Hub is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Sometimes the gaslighting is gentle. Wrapped in smiles, charts and positive reinforcement.

“You did so well yesterday, let’s try again today.”

“I know you can if you really try.”

“You’re just not meeting your potential.”

Praise laced with pressure. Encouragement that assumes yesterday’s success wasn’t the result of masking, adrenaline or unsustainable effort. Adults often mean well but meaning well doesn’t undo the harm of being consistently misunderstood and fighting for your truth.

And sometimes it’s loud. Really loud. “You’re lazy.” “I don’t believe you.” “That’s not the way I am feeling.” “You’re so dramatic.” “You’ll just have to put up with it like the rest of us.” “You’re overreacting.”

---

Neurodivergent children are often asked to self-regulate in environments that actively disregard their regulation needs. They are punished for reacting to conditions no one else is asked to tolerate. Then, when they break down, the focus is on the breakdown not the buildup. It’s easier to chastise the reaction, than investigate the reason.

They learn to mask because they’ve learned it costs less than being believed.

The term "gaslighting" may feel uncomfortable when applied to adults who love and care for children. And yet it fits. When they repeatedly tell children their experiences are wrong, exaggerated or not real, they teach them not to trust themselves. They deteriorate their internal compass. They teach them to scan the room for cues instead of scanning their body for truth - their truth.

Gaslighting isn’t always about denying pain. Sometimes it’s about pretending not to see it.

When we choose to believe neurodivergent children the first time, we change the story they tell themselves later. We show them that their experiences are real and they matter. We teach them how to self-advocate and remove themselves from toxic environments and relationships.

We need to unlearn the idea that struggle looks one way. We need to slow down before we label, lean in before we interpret and stay curious yet calm even when behaviour looks confusing.

We need to let their experience be real even if it’s inconvenient, unfamiliar or hard to understand.

We. Have. To. Believe. Them.

If you’ve read any of my previous articles, or follow me on social media, you know I am a sucker for a good reframe. So how do we move from gaslighting to support?

#️ Respond to the nervous system, not the behaviour.

If a child is having a meltdown, shutting down or lashing out, start with regulation not reasoning. What might their body be trying to protect them from right now?

#️ Replace doubt with curiosity.

Instead of “You’re just making excuses,” try “Something about this seems hard today. Can you tell me where it gets stuck?” or “Want to show me instead of explain?”

#️ Assume needs, not manipulation.

Behaviours that are misunderstood as being manipulative are often dysregulated bids for connection, predictability or relief. Shift from “What are they trying to get away with?” to “What are they trying to get away from?”

#️ Honour their yes and their no.

If a child says, “I can’t,” believe them. If they say, “It’s too loud,” turn the volume down even if it seems fine to you. If they say “no”, that’s a full sentence. When we act on what they say, we teach them their voice matters.

#️ Name what’s invisible.

Say things like: “I wonder if your brain is tired from doing so many things in a row.” Or, “Sometimes when everything feels like too much, it makes sense to freeze.”

** a bit of a side story: I was at the park with my youngest son today where a grandmother was playing with her two grandchildren. One of them retreated further away from his brother. As expected, the little one got a bit upset and ran to his grandmother for comfort. Instead of trying to bargain, compromise or push, she simply said “I think your brother needs space because his brain has been very busy today, so it must feel heavy.” It made me smile as I whispered to myself “how wonderful”. **

#️ De-centre performance.

Stop measuring worth by productivity or compliance. A child who lies on the floor all day in a safe space is still learning. Still healing. Still whole.

#️ Let them rest without earning it.

Burnout doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes it creeps up, sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks but in whichever way it makes its presence known, if they’re telling you they’re done, believe them. Rest isn’t a reward. It’s a need.

#️ Repair when you miss it.

We will all get it wrong sometimes. Go back when the time is right. “I didn’t listen well earlier. I’m sorry. I want to understand better next time.” Repair is more powerful than perfection.

#️ Let their truth be enough.

Because when we believe, truly believe neurodivergent children, they begin to believe themselves.

---

⭐ If you’re looking for digital and affordable resources, you can browse them here.

⭐ If you’re on any social media, come join me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn.