Falling Asleep Is More Than Just Closing Your Eyes
A while back I talked about the myth of the morning person and when "good morning" feels like a lie. The article explored how not everyone wakes up regulated and how this affects the day ahead before it has even started.
Today I want to fast forward to bed time and talk about how and why falling asleep is more than just closing your eyes.
The first thing people miss is that the difficulties never start at bedtime for our neurodivergent children.
Having trouble getting to sleep or even regulating the nervous system before lights out is about everything that came before it.
The whole day accumulates like static in the body. And then bedtime comes and everyone expects that static to vanish on command.
But it doesn’t.
You dim the lights.
You lower your voice.
You cue the routine : bath, pyjamas, story, bed or whatever the routine looks like in your home.
And on paper, it’s perfect.
But their body is still buzzing.
Their brain is still scripting that thing someone said earlier.
Their stomach still feels strange.
Their skin is on edge.
Their heart won’t slow down.
And when they don’t fall asleep after all that, people start looking for discipline problems. Or routine inconsistencies. Or over-dependence.
But what we should ask instead is this:
What did their nervous system survive today?
What expectations did they have to contort themselves to meet?
What parts of themselves had to be hidden or managed just to get through the day?
Because if sleep is the body’s way of shutting down safely, then we need to talk about how safe their body actually feels when the day is over.
SENDwise Hub is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Traditional sleep advice doesn’t speak our language and it is important to give ourselves the permission to approach it all from a different vantage point.
The mainstream advice tells us to turn off screens an hour before bed. To use blackout blinds. To have a consistent routine. To give melatonin. But more often than not, it’s not that straight forward and what worked Monday night might fall apart by Wednesday.
What if the dark is terrifying because it’s unpredictable?
What if wind-down time is when all the unspoken worries finally get loud?
What if brushing teeth is a sensory battle every single night?
What if lying still feels like losing control?
What if the only way they can sleep is with stimulation (movement, noise, pressure) because those things tell their body it’s finally safe?
None of that fits the mainstream sleep hygiene checklist.
They’re not fighting sleep. They’re fighting the conditions of it.
They’re fighting the expectations that bedtime will be neutral when it’s not.
They're fighting…
The itchy tags they were too tired to tolerate earlier.
The unresolved feelings from the social misunderstanding at school.
The way the room sounds too loud and too quiet at the same time.
The anxiety of not knowing what tomorrow will ask of them.
The demand to settle when their body doesn’t know how.
They're fighting the idea that bedtime means peace.
Sleep & safety
Falling asleep is more than switching off; it’s about letting go and for neurodivergent children, letting go can feel like a trap and becoming too vulnerable. Like not being able to monitor what’s coming.
Especially when the day has been full of unpredictability, misinterpretation, masking, sensory overwhelm and silent struggles.
So it is safe to say that structure isn’t enough. What they need is attunement, because safety starts long before the lights go off.
They need a system that recognises that falling asleep is not failure to comply but the nervous system asking, if it is finally safe to stop?
So what helps?
Sensory control over their own sleep space: light, weight, temperature, sound etc.
Letting their body move.
Letting them talk, stim, bounce, flap, whisper to themselves.
Recognising that winding down doesn’t look the same for everyone.
A day that doesn’t demand survival at every turn so that by night, their body doesn’t have to work so hard to recover.
If you're the adult trying to help them sleep, know this..
You’re not doing it wrong because they still don’t sleep.
You’re not failing because your child needs more support than others because for many neurodivergent children, falling asleep is a long process of returning to themselves and undoing the noise of the day.
Most importantly of remembering they are safe and that takes more than closing their eyes.
Note : another fantastic article by
titled Going to bed for any other reason than sleep which I recommend you read.⭐ If you’re looking for digital and affordable resources, you can browse them here.
⭐ If you’re on any social media, come join me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn.
